In Memory

Lola Grace "Bitty" Ellett

April 20th, 1954-April 26, 2009

Goodbye mama.

Sniff Sniff

It sure has been awhile. I'll try to keep this short. Mom is still on 100% ventilator. They moved her to another hospital called Kindred hospital that specializes in long term ICU care. She has kidney failure, heart attack, a septic infection and atrial fibrillation just to name a few that I can spell. It is still unresponsive to weaning her off the vent. We were basically told to prepare ourselves but hope for the best. 

Its just that once they treat her for something it causes other problems. Her amputation site looks good...but that's about all that is positive at the moment.

My screams for today are....

I'm down...depressed, bummed...pissed off at hospitals and doctors. Tired of trying to find people who give a crap enough to help care for my three while I go and visit my mother. Now that she is further away it will be even harder. I hate repeating myself to family and friends OVER and OVER again. Hate that people who haven't spoken with her in 30 years think now is the time to fly in and make their peace. I hate that in the back of my mind I think my husband really hopes that I make the choice to take her off the vent just so she will die and not live with us any longer and I'll not have to care for her. I hate the fact that she can't talk to me and tell me what she wants. I hate the fact that my mom can't hug me and tell me its okay.

I want my mommy....

Mom

She's been in the hospital since last Thursday. She developed eschar on three large spots on her foot. 8 months of the pain and wound clinic just did not help. The infection has gone down into the bone. They've been pumping major antibiotics in since Friday but its not working. Elevation has made some of the color around her toes improve but still not very well. They've called in two specialist. Both agree that the leg needs to come off right above the knee. My mom requested a second opinion, he should arrive sometime today. Although I don't blame her a bite for asking, I personal don't see a way to save it. Eschar also is appearing on the other foot.

I am living a horror. I have no idea what to do for her and she is not a strong person emotionally. I feel a little closed off, but I know I'm doing that to myself to keep my chin up. I have NO idea how I can still care for her after this. She being a very heavy woman...there is just no way I can help much without live in home care which we can not afford.

I feel like the worst daughter in the world not being able to be at the hospital with her as much as she needs me. But with the three kids, not really having family and friends that aren't working who can take them. I just can't be up there since its Spring Break and the kids are out of school. Ugh, its just a mess. I'm babbling....just keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I want to say this to those reading. Take care of your body!!! Do it NOW. My father lost both his legs due to blood clots. He was a VERY active man all his life. But he smoked and drank like a fish and paid the price. My mother..never watched her diet or exercised much. Developed diabetes in midlife and didn't change her lifestyle. Diabetes WILL kill you. Don't put faith in medication alone...you yourself have to make changes early. She is only 54. So young..yet so old.

What I've learned about Boys

Growing up I was an only child to divorced parents. Same story that millions of others share. My mom was usually busy. Working or off to one of her auxiliary meetings or functions. I learned early how to develop multiple personalities. You have to, Barbie can't live in her dream home without friends, and My Little Pony would be awfully lonely in the stable without other candy colored four legged friends. It was easy. I decide who won the races or ate the best oats in the stable. I decided which Barbie wore the best clothes and got to go out with Ken. What was really hard though was board games. I never understood why people would gift an only child a board game. I'd play them though...two or three "personalities" at a time. Problem was, I couldn't decide which "me" I wanted to win. 

Now, all grown up and married I don't need those tag along losers anymore. I gave birth to more personalities than I can handle. Of course two of them are boys. I was scared to death when my first son was born. He was a BOY! I didn't know anything about little boys. What the heck did you do with that thing? Did you clean it? Have to make sure it was pointed in a certain direction? I was lost. Now two boys and 5 years later I know more about boys then about girls. Here are just a few I've learned along the way....

Firs thing I learned and learned quickly...Cover it! Before you get sprayed in the face...or better yet, they spray themselves in the face. They always look at you like YOU did it. You have to be a quick draw.

Second...boys are just dirty little monkeys. No getting around it. You dress them for church and somehow before they leave the bedroom, something in on their face, shirt and shoes. How DO they do it? I've decided that its a magnet. Yup, that's what the Adams Apple is...a huge giant dirt magnet. 

Third, boy are just gross. They are just wired differently than girls. In that faulty crossed wiring something makes them obsessed with their own bodily functions and the farts of others around them. I'm beginning to think being called a poopy head is an endearment.

Fourth....they already know their ancestor great great great great great great great great great great and so on Grand pappy Ugh-Unga Bunga invented the wheel...and still millions of generations later appreciate that invention. Anything with a wheel is to be rolled, driven, crashed, and raced. This last well until adulthood when loads of money gets thrown into a set of wheels. 

And then...there is the mother. All boys are mamas boys. Sorry, its just a fact. There is nothing in this world that is better than a mama....that is...until they reach the teen years and discover the shower soap. Then if their mama is still number one...I think therapy is needed. It's those boys that end up being 40 year old basement dwellers

And last...if that boy has a brother...there is a bond between brothers that nothing can break. It makes all that faulty wiring and dirty habits not matter. They strangle each other one moment then 2 seconds later would kill a rabid tiger to protect the other. Someone to dig holes with,build forts with, squash caterpillars with, talk shop, trucks, cars, and wheels...someone to beat up, someone to share popcorn with...

With all their faults and habits, I wouldn't trade them in for anything in the world...not even more girls. Now GIRLS have problems of their own...especially those with two little brothers. But that's another post.